I've know I've written about my BL (Baby Love or Big Lug, depending on the day) being a big movie buff - and of course, one of the most topical movies for Americans right now would be Independence Day, or ID4. And I hope you're not too sick of hearing me talk about the professional pyrotechnic (fireworks) shows that we put together, choreographed to music. Knowing that, it's likely no surprise to most of you that I'm up to my eyeballs in getting our big 4th of July show ready to go.

This is my first 4th of July smoke-free, and all the time I've been working on these various tasks (travel arrangements, hotels, catering for 3 days on the field, etc.) I've been thinking about how the movie Independence Day and the 4th of July holiday relate to the past 174 days of my life.

In the movie ID4, a fleet of huge spaceships is covering major cities all over the world. This fleet is governed by one "mothership" (of course) and the purpose is to take over the planet and subjugate the populace. In order to accomplish this, the aliens use the Earth's own technology against it. It uses Earth satellites to communicate and to run a timer which, when it reaches zero, will end life on the planet for most humans. Of course, the protagonists find the method of gunning down the aliens and using their technology to win against them (turn-about is fair play, after all) and the world unites in the common goal of eradicating the enemy aliens from our little corner of the universe.

Thinking about my Quit, it seemed (especially on D3) that there was one guiding force, my own Inner Addict personified as the Nicodemon, attacking me from several different directions (fleet of ships) - and they did indeed use my own thoughts against me. We nicotine addicts eventually learn how to find out how these attacks are coordinated and use our Inner Addict's own strategies to defeat its deadly, insistent voice. Because our inner addicts are very subtle - very sneaky and very clever. But that's what we're all doing - finding how to use every resource available to us to stop responding to the Nicodemon's deadly siren song.

There's a quote in that movie I just love. The president has been poorly advised by his secretary of defense throughout, and he's fed up with it. Completely fed up. He says,

"The only mistake I ever made was to appoint a sniveling little weasel like you Secretary of Defense. However, that is a mistake, I am happy to say, that I don't have to live with. Mr. Nimzicki... you're fired."

As smokers, we let our Inner Addicts make the decisions that are supposed to defend us. As recovering addicts, we realize.. that's a mistake we don't have to live with! What a comforting thought!

And if you look at the Q, well it's pretty plain to see. A whole world of people *are* united against this one deadly foe. Right here, right now.

The 4th of July holiday itself (without getting political) is about self-governing. About not having the life taxed out of the economy. About directing our own growth, making our own choices and not being forced to live by rules we don't agree to live by. How much more perfect a description can there be of gaining freedom from smoking? As addicts, we aren't governing our own behavior. Our finances and our bodies are literally taxed to death (both by the Nicodemon and the monetary taxes) and our growth, spiritual, emotional and even physical, is stinted because we are chained to our addiction. So instead of thinking that we are slaves, living by the choices of others, we fool ourselves into believing we "enjoyed" smoking and that the choice to smoke is okay.

As smokers, we lived by rules we would never agree to live by if we could see the truth of what we were doing. If a child in your family came home and told you that the teacher said they had to go into a gas chamber for ten minutes at a time, every half hour or so, and breathe the fumes in... or that they had to handle fire every half hour, regardless of if it burned their clothing, or hair... or that the principal made them ingest a substance every 20 minutes that was guaranteed to reduce the circulation in their bodies, which could result in a loss of limbs, and reduce the circulation of oxygen through their lungs and bodies, putting their hearts and their lungs at risk -- which one of us would say,

"Oh yes - those are the rules we live by!"???

You really are free.

It's so worth the fight.

.·:**:·.·:*¨*:·.·:Happy Independence Day to us all:·.·:*¨*:·.·:**:·.

I had the worst dream the night before last. It was a "smoking dream" and so real I could feel the sickarette's filter between my lips. I could feel how warm the filter got when I sucked the smoke into my mouth. I felt the burn as the smoke entered my lungs. I even felt the smoke get in my left eye and burn and make it water.

It was so damned real.

And in my dream, I was aware that I was killing my beautiful Quit. In my dream, it didn't seem to matter to me. I felt myself thinking, "Oh well. Six months down the tubes..." Just like that. Just let it go that easy. A part of me was standing outside of it all, like an observer, and thinking "How can somebody who worked that hard to Quit just let go like that?"

I woke up in tears. This was my 3rd smoking dream and I always seem to wake up in tears. I prayed for forgiveness for not caring in my dream that I was sacrificing my Quit. I prayed for wisdom to understand what it is in my life that is triggering these thoughts again.

There is a source of stress - a big one. I spoke with my BL about it. And my brothers. All the men in my life agree -- that is one stressful situation I don't have to endure. There are better ways to achieve my goals than to continue to put up with that kind of situation. So I'm not going back into that situation anymore.

Maybe that isn't the best way to handle things, but this is my life and my Quit (which are inextricably related) and I'm not going to let anything ruin my health. While I didn't mention it, this nightmare happened after a horrible bout of insomnia. I couldn't sleep through the terrible headaches, intestinal problems, and feeling as though I'm going to puke. To top it off, I've been afraid to get too far from the bathroom because it's all coming out the other end (because I refuse to puke).

So, while I may have issues... this is a serious enough situation to call for immediate action. I actually got to sleep last night and I do feel better today. But I'm not up to fighting with the person involved, or debunking the lies he tells. I just don't need this.

Oh! On a happy note, annlclemons has 7 months today... boy am I proud of her!